Koh Phangan, we need to talk. No, things have been going great, but I’m not in a good place right now and I think maybe–
No it’s not that. You’re one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever met. I mean your coconuts…WOW. Your beaches are stunning, and I love that thing you do with the breeze in my hair as we ride a motorcycle up and down the gentle hills, but–
Well for one, we can’t just lie around naked all the time. I have work to–okay okay you’re right, that’s not fair. I do make my own decisions. I’m just not ready for–
That’s not true Koh Phangan, I have tried. We got an apartment, I mean, I moved in. I’m totally willing to stay until the lease is up–
I don’t introduce anyone to my parents, you know that. It was different with Luxembourg! Okay, and South Africa, but we’d been together for two years and–now you’re crying. Koh Phangan, anyone would be lucky to have you. You’re going to make a lot of people very happy–every weekend, at those beach parties you like.
I didn’t mean it like that, Koh Phangan, I’m just trying to be honest–
That’s below the belt. I didn’t see those kids standing there and it’s hard to keep my clothes on around you. No I’m not just trying to make you feel better, I–
Okay, you want honesty? To be honest, you’re all over the place. One minute you’re bowling me over with grand romantic gestures, and the next you’re slapping me with 20 mosquito bites. That hurts, Koh Phangan. And there’s the animals. Yes, they’re beautiful, but the lizards in the house are a little much, I mean, do they have to crap on the couch?
No, it’s not just that. It’s hard for me to focus when you’re around. You’re too hot. It’s too much. I hate being exhausted and sweaty all the time, and–I did have a headache. Yeah I do have a lot of them lately. I’m not 23 anymore, I don’t have as much energy as you do.
But about that, why do you make me use all this protection, I mean, sunscreen, bug lotion, rubbing alcohol, should I be worried about catching something? I’m just asking. I know you’re popular, I said I didn’t care about that and I don’t, but I’ve met three people who had to go to the hospital after being with you. They all swam at the same beach with open cuts if you know what I mean…
I deserved that. You’re right. Maybe I’m not the same person I used to be. So I’ve gained a little weight, so I’m breaking out. Maybe I’m not as motivated as I used to be. That’s what happens to me when I’m in a place like this. We can’t all be beach-ready all the time. Ok, you can. Don’t you understand, that’s why I think we should take a break. We’re just not right for each other–you like guys with tattoos, girls with dreads, I don’t even know what you see in me, to be honest.
Look, I’m not sure this is helping. Koh Phangan, you are so awesome. You have everything going for you. You’re healthy, with all the fruits you like, and the yoga all the time, you’re incredibly spiritual, and friendly and outgoing and gorgeous…we’re just not right for each other.
I know I’m still here for two months, but it doesn’t have to be awkward. We can hang out, and be friends, I just need to spend some time getting my head right. In a dark room. With air-conditioning.
I’m sorry you feel that way. But I’ll never forget you, Koh Phangan.