Scary Things They Have to Say in Airline Policy

Cathay Pacific reserves the right to deal with unruly passengers in several ways, one of which is “making the passenger exit the aircraft while the aircraft is on the ground” [emphasis mine].

I was so glad I’d chosen Cathay Airlines when I read this. THANK YOU Cathay. I hadn’t considered that you might have reserved the right to throw me off the plane mid-flight, and I appreciate your tolerance.

The second half of that sentence must be a clue that some airlines (Singapore Air?) are taking a more totalitarian approach to passenger control. Be on the lookout for a piratey new Walk the Plane policy, whereby anyone caught rearranging their luggage while the seat belt light is on is prodded to the front of the plane by the drink cart and shot out through an airlock over the warm West Pacific.

If I were them, I’d maximize the deterrence factor you can get out of this trump card. No flight attendant wants to raise his voice at all, let alone multiple times on a flight full of assholes. Make the passenger start walking from the very back and force other passengers to throw peanuts while the attendants yell things like “Your life vest is located in Davey Jones’ lockerrrr! and “Dead men ring no call buttons!”

Make sure to read your airline’s discipline policy before booking, especially if you’re the sassy type.

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